The Collapse of my Life

First and fore most, I'm still totally in Love with Nick.... But that's no longer in the cards since.... Well, let me explain it like this, for 2yrs. while I was married I tried to have babies with no luck. Doctors told me that it would be almost impossible for me to conceive and so it put a terrible strain on my marriage. Exactly 1 year into my marriage I was alone and starting to go through a divorce that, although I didn't fight him for anything I also didn't fight not to support him and to give him everything that he wanted. I just couldn't wrap my head around how someone that is supposed to Love you and be your equal can kick you down and drag you through the mud. I thought that I would never Love again after the fall or my marriage. A year and a half later on July 1, 2008 I met Nick. He came into the bar that I was working at and saved me from myself. Quickly we found ourselves in Love and planning to buy a home, start a family and get married. Everything was wonderful.... To my mother's relief my ex-husband and drugs no longer controlled me or my life and for once I was happy to be me. All except for one aspect. No Babies..... We tried until we were both raw. Several times a week as a matter of fact but 7,.....8....9....10 months and nothing and then he is supposed to be deployed to Iraq. BOOM! Like the day that the atomic bomb was dropped on Japan my life was decimated... again. I tried to be calm and just relax it wasn't for sure and I could hold out a year if I had to for the man of my dreams (he really is now since that's the only way I get to hold him close) but, in two weeks time he surprised me as I was getting out of the shower on a Friday night (yes, I was being good) However, while he was away I went to go get some pot and a usually slightly suggestive game that someone used to play with me was pushed too far and I was taken advantage of. When I told nick that he told me that my story was "convenient " and "likely". As I balled my eyes out he looked at me with disgust and accused me of giving him an STD (first it was because I ended up with a yeast infection that turned into a UTI, both of which resulted from Nicks "double dipping")

Anyhow, I'm getting off topic.... but here's a quick outline of it all

1. We were happy
2. The U.S. Army interfered (sent orders)
3. Nick Left for fort Gordon to be deployed to Iraq
4. I got raped
5. Nick came home to me
6. He wouldn't trust me
7. He gave up
8. I'm alone

So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight
Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart He's the song in the car I keep singing Don't know why I do He's the time taken up but there's never enough And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me I fake a smile so he won't see So you see I tried for so long to make him happy I just couldn't do it though. I just talked to him on the phone today and the other day and he told me that he hasn't been able to sleep because he's been up thinking about me all night. What am I supposed to do?
I'm in an incredibly delicate situation. You see since Nick left me I was alone for awhile and then A.B. and I fucked Jake. It was awesome by far the best threesome I've had. However, during our all night Ecstasy induced erotic romp Jake *Might* have came too close to me... Or that first night with Vinny either way..... I took the test yesterday and I'm pregnant. My life is falling to pieces and I can't stop it. Plus. Troll wants me to go to Oklahoma for a couple weeks. Vinny knew this was coming and obviously doesn't want me to go but knew that I had every intention of going to see him. GOD LIFE SUCKS!