An Explanation of my Madness, and the Resulting Insanity!

  Okay,  so let's begin by laying the foundation,  because how can one begin to build a castle on the sand? Let's dive in...
     April 30th, 1958 in Toronto Ontario, Canada Marcel and Helen Smets have their third (3rd) child "Fernanda Renee' Smets". The joy or their newborn is short lived, because immediately after delivery the doctors note a problem... This baby can't breathe, so she is placed in an incubator,  while her grandfather fills out the birth certificate. Becoming confused "G.G." (What my mom called her grandfather) accidentally begins to put the date where the first name SHOULD go, so even though Fernanda was the name agreed upon this simple misplaced date makes my mom's legal name April Renee' Fernanda Smets... The complcation of the incubator causes more problems... Due to the fact that the doctors didn't KNOW that the amount of oxygen being pumped in around the baby destroys 95% of her vision... As a result my mom is written off as a dullard for the first thirteen (13) years of her life, until a vison screening reveals that she can only see to the tip of her nose... she explained to me once that she was a teenager before she discovered... "That trees had bark on their trunks and that the top was comprised of MANY separate leaves, not jut one big blob" She also went from failing all her academic subjects, and being held back, to being placed on the dean's list and placed in "Gifted" courses.
     At six-teen (16) 1976 (round about, I believe) my grandparents packed all four of their kids, and Henry their wiener dog into a red 1966 convertible Ford Mustang, and begin to drive to south Florida, where they begin their new life in a BEAUTIFUL tropical climate.  My mom and her siblings are enrolled into South Broward High School,  where my mom graduated with honors.   At the age of nine-teen (19) April decided to purchase het own home.  She chooses 2119 Scott street,  in Hollywood Florida.  For the next five years my mom survives on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,  hot dogs, and water... She also acquired a room-mate to help make the house payments. (During that time Krazy Kat adopts my mom one day while she is eating a hot dog in her bedroom with the window open)
     At SOME-POINT between 20, and 25 she meets my sperm donor (I guess I'm SUPPOSED to call him my father,  but we'll just call him "Jim", who is something like four years younger than my mom, AND jim AND his entire "Family" (Due to these MONSTERS, I am pretty much un-able to grasp the concept of traditional "Family", even to this day) live within two (2) blocks of April' s home.
     When my mom was 26 (1984), she and Jim were married... In December of 1986 April learns that she is pregnant... She was over-joyed... Jim was excited for a son... BUT, as we can all tell, I was defiant and decided that since Jim didn't WANT and would not Love or even accept a daughter,  I mande a "Conscious decision" (in utero none the less) to be the girl he NEVER WANTED... "JUST TO DISAPPOINT" him... Obviously a baby's gender is determined my the fetus' own choice, and NOT the timing of fertilization, OR the GENES delivered my the sperm.... I did it, consciously,  defiantly!
     That brings us to August 15, 1987... Mom had worked at Hertz rent a car until August 12th (wearing an XXL blue mechanic's shirt because she no longer could fit her standard uniform, and the company did not offer a maternity uniform...) Any way on the 15th Jim left for work at 8am, Mom went into labor at 8:30 am... Being the eighties jim didn't have a mobile phone... He had a CB radio in the tow truck... Anyway,  my mom's parents were in Tampa, but began heading home when their daughter called them and told them it was time. Jim's "Family" on the other hand... Was TWO(2) BLOCKS AWAY, but they told April that she must have gas or heart burn, and IF she really thought she had an emergency,  that she could WALK to their house and WAIT for Jim to get off of work (between 5-10pm) because they weren't going to interrupt their son while he was working just because April was pregnant, and over reacting... So, my Mom waited... Until JUST before 10pm when jim stumbled through the door drunk... When he FINALLY agreed to take my Mom to the hospital,  he crashed his car into the fence next to the drive-way. So, after 14 hours of labor, PATIENTLY waiting for her husband to be physically present for the birth of their first child, April drove herself and jim to the hospital... I was over-due so my mom's doctor was on call, but also out of town... So, my mom had no choice but to have me delivered by someone she had never met,  but was on premess Once they arrived at the hospital, the complications continued. .. I wanted to be born ear first. Each time I tried to crown. However,  as soon as my mom would stop pushing,  I would be sucked right back into her birth canal... The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck three times... Mom said what happened next was a result of that last complcation,  and shift change at the hospital being midnight,  either way... The doctor ordered an emergency C-section... so, after four-teen (14) hours of labor at home with NO pain meds, ABSOLUTELY NO SUPPORT, and a drunk asshole who couldn't even drive her to the hospital... At 11:56pm August 15, 1987 (After a GRAND TOTAL of fifteen and a half (15.5) hours of labor) April finally gave birth to her daughter "Farrah" (like Farrah Faucet)... but, jim filled out the paperwork,  and he wanted all his kids names to start with a "J" like his... so while mom was recovering from surgery... jim named me Jennifer... and gave me a last name that has brought nothing but trouble. .. and that has set the tone for every other contribution to my life.

If only I wasn't what I am...

I feel so torn, I want to be happy, get clean, and being my adult life, and family with Nick, but I'm a drug addict.
(Continued July 26)
     So it looks like I'm going back to rehab. I called Summer House today and they're going to talk to my insurance company tomorrow morning. After I spoke to them, I texted Shirley and she texted me back

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Honestly

Some-times... Most of the time, I'm terrified riding in the car with Eric. The rest of the time, I'm nauseous from all the swerving, weaving in traffic, SEVERE ROAD RAGE, quick starts, tailgating, slamming on the breaks, and GOD forbid he catches a red light ... The whole world is conspiring against him, and i planned it

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The Collapse of my Life

First and fore most, I'm still totally in Love with Nick.... But that's no longer in the cards since.... Well, let me explain it like this, for 2yrs. while I was married I tried to have babies with no luck. Doctors told me that it would be almost impossible for me to conceive and so it put a terrible strain on my marriage. Exactly 1 year into my marriage I was alone and starting to go through a divorce that, although I didn't fight him for anything I also didn't fight not to support him and to give him everything that he wanted. I just couldn't wrap my head around how someone that is supposed to Love you and be your equal can kick you down and drag you through the mud. I thought that I would never Love again after the fall or my marriage. A year and a half later on July 1, 2008 I met Nick. He came into the bar that I was working at and saved me from myself. Quickly we found ourselves in Love and planning to buy a home, start a family and get married. Everything was wonderful.... To my mother's relief my ex-husband and drugs no longer controlled me or my life and for once I was happy to be me. All except for one aspect. No Babies..... We tried until we were both raw. Several times a week as a matter of fact but 7,.....8....9....10 months and nothing and then he is supposed to be deployed to Iraq. BOOM! Like the day that the atomic bomb was dropped on Japan my life was decimated... again. I tried to be calm and just relax it wasn't for sure and I could hold out a year if I had to for the man of my dreams (he really is now since that's the only way I get to hold him close) but, in two weeks time he surprised me as I was getting out of the shower on a Friday night (yes, I was being good) However, while he was away I went to go get some pot and a usually slightly suggestive game that someone used to play with me was pushed too far and I was taken advantage of. When I told nick that he told me that my story was "convenient " and "likely". As I balled my eyes out he looked at me with disgust and accused me of giving him an STD (first it was because I ended up with a yeast infection that turned into a UTI, both of which resulted from Nicks "double dipping")

Anyhow, I'm getting off topic.... but here's a quick outline of it all

1. We were happy
2. The U.S. Army interfered (sent orders)
3. Nick Left for fort Gordon to be deployed to Iraq
4. I got raped
5. Nick came home to me
6. He wouldn't trust me
7. He gave up
8. I'm alone

So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight
Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart He's the song in the car I keep singing Don't know why I do He's the time taken up but there's never enough And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me I fake a smile so he won't see So you see I tried for so long to make him happy I just couldn't do it though. I just talked to him on the phone today and the other day and he told me that he hasn't been able to sleep because he's been up thinking about me all night. What am I supposed to do?
I'm in an incredibly delicate situation. You see since Nick left me I was alone for awhile and then A.B. and I fucked Jake. It was awesome by far the best threesome I've had. However, during our all night Ecstasy induced erotic romp Jake *Might* have came too close to me... Or that first night with Vinny either way..... I took the test yesterday and I'm pregnant. My life is falling to pieces and I can't stop it. Plus. Troll wants me to go to Oklahoma for a couple weeks. Vinny knew this was coming and obviously doesn't want me to go but knew that I had every intention of going to see him. GOD LIFE SUCKS!

Further proof that Nick wants my mind to completely devide

So my Knight in shining Armor.... is a rusted pile of scrap. and his White Horse is a Unicorn. Ok, so like the last post says Nick and I aren't and haven't been together for like two months alright, here's the crazy thing though. So, he broke up with me and told me that he gave up..... He couldn't trust me......I'm spirling out of control and just as I get to my worst he's come to save me again.... I hope I've begged for it I wont deny that fact but I I'm so confused right now.....
We .... yea I'm gonna start the 13th at 3:15 when I began to get what turned out to be 39 calls from Nick before he came to pick me up and I drove him to his house because he was too drunk to drive. Then Friday I made him rice crispy treats and we were gonna go out but here in south Florida there's just so damn much police activity.... It's safest to drink at home so we went to his house and talked for a little while. Saturday ...OOOO... ok, so Saturday I go to shoot pool with nick and he takes me out to Billy's in miami and none of his friends know that we're not together. They all called me his girlfriend he didn't protest and he held me.... it's just the way that he treated me and the things that he said to me that made me cry two of the three times but ... i spent yesterday and last night with him

Nicholas and My Confusion

Nick left me two months ago and we have been at war ever since. He and I fight about pictures, words, my life, his un-willingness to swallow his pride and admit that he still Loves me which I can tell he does. He tells me not to push my luck but we woke up two or three times to do some sort of sex act. He was really rough although he said he wasn't and then he complains about being raw this morning. I begged to be made Love to all Night. I don't need to be savagely assaulted... He held me so tight when I told him to hold me like he Loved me and I swear when in the middle of the night when I asked if he was still in Love with me he nodded... I want to be with Nick so badly and there is nothing I can do to change that. I told him he was the new Jesse because everything I do revolves around him and what he'll think or say about whatever I do. I Love him and I just want him to be happy with me.

Being 21

Being 21 sucks... I mean yea I can drink and yea I can go out but I'm in more trouble now than I was before. I've gotten myself into so much trouble and I don't know how I'm going to get myself out. At least tomorrow I got a job lined up for tomorrow... Thank god for good friends...... I'm so bored here at home all day now I'll have something to do for a couple hours.

Thursday was a disaster! On his way home from work my boyfriend was rear-ended on 95. If that wasn't bad enough the person at fault has this terrible insurance so nothing is covered or being done. It's so stressful. Everything was going so well, dinner was ready and I was waiting on him to get home and then.... I got the call;
"I just got Hit! Pick up the phone".... So all this drama and his mom and I get to the hospital just as the ambulance pulls up to the entrance. Of course I got in trouble because I jumped out to follow him in through the ambulance entrance so that I could know where he was going to end up. I jumped out because of course His mom hates me and would NEVER let me drive her car even to park it. I thought it was more important for me to see where he was going or else we would be sitting around worrying. In addition I started dealing with the FHP and insurance. Getting information from his mom to give to the insurance company was damn near impossible. Then it took five days to rescue the car from the impound lot and another (6 total) to get a rental. Now it's just a matter of time until we find out if the insurance is gonna reimburse him for the rental. The body shop says it's gonna take at least two weeks before they fix the car. Of course, we only got the rental for a week because the all inclusive USAA insurance wasn't as all inclusive as it was supposed to be so he doesn't have rental insurance like we expected so hopefully the plan can be re-written to cover the rental for the rest of the time that the car is in the shop.
So he has whiplash and due to the stress I have been having severe abdominal pain for about a week now. I wish my body would just be okay or fully shut down. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Nick thinks that when he goes to Iraq in March I will relapse and then clean myself up before he gets back. But in reality I know that if I seriously start back up that I won't be able to stop. I couldn't stop for four years before so how would this time be any different?
The other night Nick gave me 2/3 of what I used to do and then asked me if he had just started the cycle all over again.... I don't think he did but who knows... I am craving it all over again now