Sunday, January 18, 2009

Confused..... and torn

OK, so I have a problem.... well I have a lot of problems and no one to vent them to without prejudice. So 1. I got court on the 29th, 2. I relapsed, 3.I want Amber, 4. Nick thinks I'm faking it.
First I have court on January 29th and I'm worried sick. I don't even know if I should fight it. In one respect if I fight they might go to fuck me even harder and honestly I don't want to go to prison for 3-5 years over one stupid decision. It was a stupid desperate choice. I know that I could have made that money stripping or something and I wouldn't be in this situation but I turned my back on dancing because He looks down on me but I'll get to that in 4.

As a result of all my stress I gave in to temptation and snorted a Roxy today. Although physically I feel better I have the fact that I fucked up on my conscience. I want to confess to Nick but if I do that He'll leave me. the relapse rate for opiate addicts is 90 percent and 382,000 people my age are addicted to opiates. I was clean for a month but i got stupid. there is no excuse. I feel like shit and I feel like I totally failed him and myself.

Number three(3).... I want Amber. Well, she's my best friend and she's hot but she has Ian.... And to be completely honest if I had to be with him to be with her I would do it, but that will Never happen since that happened between Ian and me when Amber was in rehab and I was going through my divorce. Amber told Ian that he could indulge his basic instincts while she was gone as long as it was just physical. So we kept it physical We are still friends but before we were friends who were there for one another in every way that we could be. We were both estranged from the one whom we had given our hearts to and we were lonely. Adding Alcohol was the last straw... Nicks here I gotta go.
(cont.)
All Ian and I ever did was talk about how much we missed Amber.... Anyhow. I brought the possibility of another girl for Nick up like two days ago and he kinda smiled and joked at first, but then last night.... he did not he said to me "the old me is dead and gone".

I'm gonna end that there and start up on point number four(4), Nick thinks I'm Faking it..... Nick feels that I don't really Love him and that I'm just going thou the motions to use him or something. He's always mad at me and nothing I do is right or he'll put a guilt trip on me. For instance last night he said that he was tired but I wanted to make Love so I tried to please him nothing major just a little playing around.... Well, within three minutes he was hopping around like a...... hmmm...... I wanna say a frog but I think he was more like a rabbit.... Anyhow he did it his way without a moment's hesitation to listen to what I was saying and he was quickly done. That's fine I have No problem with that but I don't wanna hear him beat himself up because he feels inadequate because he hurried to finish and I needed literally two more minutes.... I Love Nick but I can't deal with all the hang ups......

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