The Collapse of my Life

First and fore most, I'm still totally in Love with Nick.... But that's no longer in the cards since.... Well, let me explain it like this, for 2yrs. while I was married I tried to have babies with no luck. Doctors told me that it would be almost impossible for me to conceive and so it put a terrible strain on my marriage. Exactly 1 year into my marriage I was alone and starting to go through a divorce that, although I didn't fight him for anything I also didn't fight not to support him and to give him everything that he wanted. I just couldn't wrap my head around how someone that is supposed to Love you and be your equal can kick you down and drag you through the mud. I thought that I would never Love again after the fall or my marriage. A year and a half later on July 1, 2008 I met Nick. He came into the bar that I was working at and saved me from myself. Quickly we found ourselves in Love and planning to buy a home, start a family and get married. Everything was wonderful.... To my mother's relief my ex-husband and drugs no longer controlled me or my life and for once I was happy to be me. All except for one aspect. No Babies..... We tried until we were both raw. Several times a week as a matter of fact but 7,.....8....9....10 months and nothing and then he is supposed to be deployed to Iraq. BOOM! Like the day that the atomic bomb was dropped on Japan my life was decimated... again. I tried to be calm and just relax it wasn't for sure and I could hold out a year if I had to for the man of my dreams (he really is now since that's the only way I get to hold him close) but, in two weeks time he surprised me as I was getting out of the shower on a Friday night (yes, I was being good) However, while he was away I went to go get some pot and a usually slightly suggestive game that someone used to play with me was pushed too far and I was taken advantage of. When I told nick that he told me that my story was "convenient " and "likely". As I balled my eyes out he looked at me with disgust and accused me of giving him an STD (first it was because I ended up with a yeast infection that turned into a UTI, both of which resulted from Nicks "double dipping")

Anyhow, I'm getting off topic.... but here's a quick outline of it all

1. We were happy
2. The U.S. Army interfered (sent orders)
3. Nick Left for fort Gordon to be deployed to Iraq
4. I got raped
5. Nick came home to me
6. He wouldn't trust me
7. He gave up
8. I'm alone

So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight
Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart He's the song in the car I keep singing Don't know why I do He's the time taken up but there's never enough And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me I fake a smile so he won't see So you see I tried for so long to make him happy I just couldn't do it though. I just talked to him on the phone today and the other day and he told me that he hasn't been able to sleep because he's been up thinking about me all night. What am I supposed to do?
I'm in an incredibly delicate situation. You see since Nick left me I was alone for awhile and then A.B. and I fucked Jake. It was awesome by far the best threesome I've had. However, during our all night Ecstasy induced erotic romp Jake *Might* have came too close to me... Or that first night with Vinny either way..... I took the test yesterday and I'm pregnant. My life is falling to pieces and I can't stop it. Plus. Troll wants me to go to Oklahoma for a couple weeks. Vinny knew this was coming and obviously doesn't want me to go but knew that I had every intention of going to see him. GOD LIFE SUCKS!

Further proof that Nick wants my mind to completely devide

So my Knight in shining Armor.... is a rusted pile of scrap. and his White Horse is a Unicorn. Ok, so like the last post says Nick and I aren't and haven't been together for like two months alright, here's the crazy thing though. So, he broke up with me and told me that he gave up..... He couldn't trust me......I'm spirling out of control and just as I get to my worst he's come to save me again.... I hope I've begged for it I wont deny that fact but I I'm so confused right now.....
We .... yea I'm gonna start the 13th at 3:15 when I began to get what turned out to be 39 calls from Nick before he came to pick me up and I drove him to his house because he was too drunk to drive. Then Friday I made him rice crispy treats and we were gonna go out but here in south Florida there's just so damn much police activity.... It's safest to drink at home so we went to his house and talked for a little while. Saturday ...OOOO... ok, so Saturday I go to shoot pool with nick and he takes me out to Billy's in miami and none of his friends know that we're not together. They all called me his girlfriend he didn't protest and he held me.... it's just the way that he treated me and the things that he said to me that made me cry two of the three times but ... i spent yesterday and last night with him

Nicholas and My Confusion

Nick left me two months ago and we have been at war ever since. He and I fight about pictures, words, my life, his un-willingness to swallow his pride and admit that he still Loves me which I can tell he does. He tells me not to push my luck but we woke up two or three times to do some sort of sex act. He was really rough although he said he wasn't and then he complains about being raw this morning. I begged to be made Love to all Night. I don't need to be savagely assaulted... He held me so tight when I told him to hold me like he Loved me and I swear when in the middle of the night when I asked if he was still in Love with me he nodded... I want to be with Nick so badly and there is nothing I can do to change that. I told him he was the new Jesse because everything I do revolves around him and what he'll think or say about whatever I do. I Love him and I just want him to be happy with me.

Being 21

Being 21 sucks... I mean yea I can drink and yea I can go out but I'm in more trouble now than I was before. I've gotten myself into so much trouble and I don't know how I'm going to get myself out. At least tomorrow I got a job lined up for tomorrow... Thank god for good friends...... I'm so bored here at home all day now I'll have something to do for a couple hours.

Thursday was a disaster! On his way home from work my boyfriend was rear-ended on 95. If that wasn't bad enough the person at fault has this terrible insurance so nothing is covered or being done. It's so stressful. Everything was going so well, dinner was ready and I was waiting on him to get home and then.... I got the call;
"I just got Hit! Pick up the phone".... So all this drama and his mom and I get to the hospital just as the ambulance pulls up to the entrance. Of course I got in trouble because I jumped out to follow him in through the ambulance entrance so that I could know where he was going to end up. I jumped out because of course His mom hates me and would NEVER let me drive her car even to park it. I thought it was more important for me to see where he was going or else we would be sitting around worrying. In addition I started dealing with the FHP and insurance. Getting information from his mom to give to the insurance company was damn near impossible. Then it took five days to rescue the car from the impound lot and another (6 total) to get a rental. Now it's just a matter of time until we find out if the insurance is gonna reimburse him for the rental. The body shop says it's gonna take at least two weeks before they fix the car. Of course, we only got the rental for a week because the all inclusive USAA insurance wasn't as all inclusive as it was supposed to be so he doesn't have rental insurance like we expected so hopefully the plan can be re-written to cover the rental for the rest of the time that the car is in the shop.
So he has whiplash and due to the stress I have been having severe abdominal pain for about a week now. I wish my body would just be okay or fully shut down. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Nick thinks that when he goes to Iraq in March I will relapse and then clean myself up before he gets back. But in reality I know that if I seriously start back up that I won't be able to stop. I couldn't stop for four years before so how would this time be any different?
The other night Nick gave me 2/3 of what I used to do and then asked me if he had just started the cycle all over again.... I don't think he did but who knows... I am craving it all over again now

Confused..... and torn

OK, so I have a problem.... well I have a lot of problems and no one to vent them to without prejudice. So 1. I got court on the 29th, 2. I relapsed, 3.I want Amber, 4. Nick thinks I'm faking it.
First I have court on January 29th and I'm worried sick. I don't even know if I should fight it. In one respect if I fight they might go to fuck me even harder and honestly I don't want to go to prison for 3-5 years over one stupid decision. It was a stupid desperate choice. I know that I could have made that money stripping or something and I wouldn't be in this situation but I turned my back on dancing because He looks down on me but I'll get to that in 4.

As a result of all my stress I gave in to temptation and snorted a Roxy today. Although physically I feel better I have the fact that I fucked up on my conscience. I want to confess to Nick but if I do that He'll leave me. the relapse rate for opiate addicts is 90 percent and 382,000 people my age are addicted to opiates. I was clean for a month but i got stupid. there is no excuse. I feel like shit and I feel like I totally failed him and myself.

Number three(3).... I want Amber. Well, she's my best friend and she's hot but she has Ian.... And to be completely honest if I had to be with him to be with her I would do it, but that will Never happen since that happened between Ian and me when Amber was in rehab and I was going through my divorce. Amber told Ian that he could indulge his basic instincts while she was gone as long as it was just physical. So we kept it physical We are still friends but before we were friends who were there for one another in every way that we could be. We were both estranged from the one whom we had given our hearts to and we were lonely. Adding Alcohol was the last straw... Nicks here I gotta go.
(cont.)
All Ian and I ever did was talk about how much we missed Amber.... Anyhow. I brought the possibility of another girl for Nick up like two days ago and he kinda smiled and joked at first, but then last night.... he did not he said to me "the old me is dead and gone".

I'm gonna end that there and start up on point number four(4), Nick thinks I'm Faking it..... Nick feels that I don't really Love him and that I'm just going thou the motions to use him or something. He's always mad at me and nothing I do is right or he'll put a guilt trip on me. For instance last night he said that he was tired but I wanted to make Love so I tried to please him nothing major just a little playing around.... Well, within three minutes he was hopping around like a...... hmmm...... I wanna say a frog but I think he was more like a rabbit.... Anyhow he did it his way without a moment's hesitation to listen to what I was saying and he was quickly done. That's fine I have No problem with that but I don't wanna hear him beat himself up because he feels inadequate because he hurried to finish and I needed literally two more minutes.... I Love Nick but I can't deal with all the hang ups......

Stress

Nothing can stop
my neurotic frustrations
have me unable
to enjoy
my life

Everything
is a test

You look at me
No you
examine me

your eyes
dissect every molecule
of my composition
Sometimes I feel translucent
or pliable

Because
I am loosing myself

Maybe I will emerge
from my chrysalis
a beautiful butterfly
or
maybe you have just
entombed me
and I will rot

only time will tell

Bj and the Hospital

Ok, so my little brother has this cat Bj. The other day we realized that Bj was acting kinda weird so my mom decided to wait and see... By the second day it was apparent, since he slept in the litter box the night before, that he was only getting worse. My mom rushed him to the Animal hospital. We've had the same Vet for over twenty years. He has helped us through car accidents, surgeries, check-ups, shots and five bouts with cancer(2 dogs and a cat). Now he is helping us deal with a Large Russian blue with kidney issues... My mom said stones now she's saying kidney failure..... I don't know what to think. Either way Barington Jr. will be in the hospital for a week for observation to assure that his kidney(s) will work and not fail again.... If this is not the case then, my family will have to decide weather to let nature run it's course or to put Bj to sleep.... This has become a very stressful time for our family....

All that for.... What?!?!?

OK, So yesterday was Nicks day off and we did the errands that he wanted to do by noon so he.... err... We went to get a new radio. The other had died on New Years. I under stand his frustration but I wish that he weren't so aggressive about it.
He asked me last night, what would I do if he didn't come back... I don't know what I would do... He asked that, if I hadn't heard from him in a year would i then contact his mom or dad but the logical situation seems to me that I should keep in touch with his family through the duration of his deployment. I asked him what would happen when he did come back.... His future plans had no mention of me, maybe it's a sign but I'm wiling to fight it and try to keep our future together in a stable place..... While he's gone I GOTTA get a job and save money. When he gets back if I don't have a place for him to come home to I need to be in a position to put us in a comfortable home with at least a dog or something. He told me yesterday morning that what ended up on my back was only half of what there was... I don't know if that is what happened, but I could accept and embrace it if anything happens as a result. I Love Nick with all my heart.
today is the 2nd anniversary of my divorce... two days ago would have been my third wedding anniversary. I spent the seventh with Nicks mom, I called Nick as soon as Jesse called me and I didn't call Jesse back like I hold him that I would... He said that he was worried because Nick or I or something called him on New years(when the radio"died" and the car was assaulted) It took 7 days for him to call my phone back to check on me.... But that would have been our anniversary..... It's depressing. Instead I was with talking to and thinking about Nick. A little over three years ago I thought that I had found the person that I was going to spend my life with.... But then that person died(inside) The person that I was left with did NOTHING..... but drugs... Two years ago I decided that I would NEVER marry for Love again. I lived my life decently (all while becoming more and more depressed) for a year and a half and then, July 1st 2008 I decided to take the biggest gamble of my life. Honestly it was one part intoxication,one part bravery,and Big part stupid blind trust, I could have died that night(I could have died many nights but those would have been "accidental") Anyhow, I got home that night and even though the asshole that I am I dumped him on his birthday(my birthday), because he wouldn't be my boyfriend.... We got back together and now I hope that we're both doing better than we were before we got together... And now there's the Deployment issue..... I took a risk and I want to follow through with it. I hope it's not too soon to admit it but I'd Love to marry and start a family with Nick. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has shown me what my life can be and what I can do... I truthfully hope that I can make him as happy as he makes me.
This blog was supposed to be about how we waited all day for the radio to be replaced and now that it is he can watch movies or hook up his phone to the radio and he can load 1 disk at a time vs. the 6 that we used to be able to choose from oh and now the "High Definition" radio... Who knows why it doesn't work. The bottom line... it doesn't. Last night he did A LOT of complaining about the radio, which I tried to qualm to no avail..... oh well this was the time I was supposed to be napping..... at least I put it to good use... NOT!

Support NOT the War!

Fuck Iraq..... Fuck this stupid War, and Fuck Palestine too..... Look I understand that the world as we know it only exists the way it is because some big bully power decided to intimidate, aggravate, and attack (sometimes with the hope of "freedom") a smaller power.... Hello! if I beat you up would you Love, believe and trust me? We're talking about the world not an abusive relationship.
Here in America we like to preach it excites a small sense of fear in our citizens. GOD, and the T.v. Television flashes images of impoverished children starving in third world countries, war torn cities throughout the middle east, a failing stock market, commercials to "stand up to bullying", Home security, National Security, propaganda to support the war(1) (under the guise of "Support the Troops", which I fully support(2))
The whole World is fighting. Some fight over land, some attack for terror, Some fight for Religion, and some attack for Revenge. Israel And Palestine. They fight over land that has religious value.... This makes things complicated until you can simplify and learn how to coexist with one another there will never be Peace. Especially if one of the sides begin attacking for terror. Palestine needs a time out.... America and it's Terror Raid on the Middle East is ridiculous. OK, yes..... We will never forget 911 but we have no idea when this will end.... We were a attacked by men not a country, not 3 countries....We should have been in and out in four years at the most. Instead here we are 7 years later trying to over throw the government and upset all the citizens of a different country than we originally invaded.....
The focus of the war has shifted from removing a target to reforming a government..... Before we arrived in Iraq they were surviving now we have invaded their country and taken away their way of life... I understand that we've done so much damage so far that to abandon them now.... would be wrong as well...
However I do support the troops. Young Americans who wish to see the world, and do good for the good of their country and of the the world. I believe that is a noble thing to serve your country in spreading peace and prosperity to those that we see as less fortunate than we establish ourselves to be. In exchange for an education or a career.... That sounds wonderful but people are overseas for months and years and they die..... Is someone else's opinion worth your life? I don't think so....

to be continued....

1/6/09

My teeth hurt today.
As i stare into the screen of this monster
my spine curls uncomfortably

I should have a cigarette dangle from my hand
It makes me more creative
But, I'm inside,
and thats not allowed

Blond hairs curtain my face
they inhibit my vision
and hide my true feelings on
"the situation"
whatever that may be

alone and being alone are so far apart
right now I am being alone
it's not too bad
it gives me time
to do those things that I want to do

Being alone is very different
I will be alone in March
then who knows what
will happen to me,
what will I do with all my time
Maybe I will just go mad
or maybe trouble will find me
again....

It's not so bad
if you get used to it quick

An Ode to Charles Bukowski or something like that

tap, tap, tap,
I wish that I
could get the rapid
Machine gun firing
of an old typewriter

Maybe it could help
soothe and calm
my useless mind
from wondering

"hey Buk, what kept you going all those years?
After all the women and all the booze
all the dunk tanks and all the madhouses?
What Kept you writing?"

How was it to press on
even when the words wouldn't come
the sun still rose
the horses still ran
everyone still ages
how did you press on?